The sound of someone sawing their way through a entire forest fills the air in the six bed dormitory, keeping all but one of us awake. Of course it's not an overzealous lumberjack working a night shift, but the newest member of the dorm snoring his head off with an incessant grating whine. And now it's 5-o-fucking-clock in the morning and we've barely slept a wink.
Now if it were a loved one snoring next to you in bed you could give them a poke or hold their nose until they woke up. Failing that, a swift kick under the covers at least provides some satisfaction, even if it doesn't stop the noise. But what do you do when you want to stop a complete stranger from snoring? What's the etiquette for resolving the problem? As much as we want to firmly hold a pillow over his head I'm not sure whether this is correct procedure. So as I lay awake while my ears vibrate to the sound of a wounded warthog, I've come up with a few solutions to help backpackers deal with antisocial snorers.
1) If they're sleeping in the bunk above you, remove half of the supporting slats from underneath their mattress. Be careful not to remove too many as the last thing you want is them falling through on top of you. Ideally remove three to four slats in the middle of the bed, just enough to cause them to partially fall through the hole, wedging them in a bent over position which is not conducive to snoring.
2) Work with all the other members of the dorm to lift the bunk bed and carry it down the hallway, out of earshot from your own beds. This may mean the member of the dorm sharing a bunk with the snorer also has to sleep in the hallway and still has to suffer with the noise but sacrifices have to be made for the greater good.
3) Cut through the bed supports but leave the bed resting loosely on them. Attach a hinge to one end of the bed then rig up a weighted pulley system to spring the bed up and catapult the snorer out of the window.
4) Again, with the help of your roommates, attach strings to each limb of the snorer then make them dance like a puppet for your amusement as you control their actions from the top bunk.
5) If the snorer is in the bunk below you, drill a hole about 2cm in diameter through the bottom of your bed then, in a scene reminiscent to the film You Only Live Twice, feed a weighted piece of string through the hole and dangle it just above the open mouth of the snorer. Drip some liquid throat medicine or muscle relaxant onto the string and let it trickle down the string and into the snorers mouth. This should hopefully relax the throat muscles and stop the snoring.
6) If the snorer is in the bottom bunk and you're in a top bunk and the dorm has shared bathroom and shower facilities, block up the sink and the shower drainage then turn on all the taps. Retreat to the safety of your top bunk and watch as the rising water levels slowly cover the snorer's mouth turning the irritating abrasive sound into a series of peaceful bubbles.
If you have any other suggestions to combat snorers in shared dorms please let us know.